If you’re feeling mighty ballsy when someone asks to use the phone; tell them to get an outside line you need to dial 9, then 11, then the number.

I’d have to say that motorized backrubs are the biggest form of Bull Shiatsu out there.

I bet Cat Sajak would be great at hosting the Hamster Wheel of Fortune.

If you prefer defecation to feel like you just passed a cactus, then yes, eat the whole sunflower seed.

I went to the dentist the other day. One look at my teeth and he told me I had an oral fixation.

I said fuck you dentist, you’re the one who works on teeth all day.

I just got 2 new video games. One is Rockbang and the other is Guitar Zero. You don’t get many points but it tells you how talented you really are.

Real life, it’s actually challenging.

Potato bugs are awesome. They just curl into a ball and you throw them in the toilet.

Balls are like great for throwing.

I often wonder if the best solitaire player ever was asexual.

I don’t have alot of time so I guess what I do is technically Fasturbation.

Depending on your tastes, it may be appropriate to describe the smell of farts as the overall quality of a band.

ex. “My farts smell the way Aerosmith sounds. Almost Exactly.”

That would be “Like shit.”

I’ve concluded one of the worst things you can say to any woman is “I know what you do with makeup.”

I guess it could be more offensive to guys. Sorry, I wasn’t finished concluding.

Mail is better than e-mail, especially when it comes to grandson-grandparent communications.

That and because you actually get to touch something.

You know what they say about people with really small feet?

They get great deals on oversize kids sneakers.

FACT

Got a big problem with a monkey on my back. Normally that’s a bad thing but he’s a monkey chiropractor so i’m really loose… Monkey loose.

It’s like chasing a really slow dragon.

Saw a homeless guy asking for change in the subway tonight. Gave him the deed to a 40.7 million dollar 40 acre home in Montauk. He gave it back, said he just wanted change.

I guess you really can’t make people change.

I was watching TV last night and a commercial came on that started out with “Think it’s too late to get more life insurance?”. I thought this was pretty stupid considering it was already 10:45 PM.

They really should work on ad placement more.

People talk about their coin collections and how they’re going to someday be worth alot of money.

It suddenly occurs to me that bill collecting is a much much better hobby.

I’m not sure if that’s funny or really deep.

Here’s to ya dogg.

I don’t know if this is correct, but if I had to guess, Couscous is Moroccan for “pasta all over the floor”.

So, God Bless technology because they finally make Antimicrobial Staplers now.

I bought one but since I don’t ever have paper, I just wash my hands with it.