Today I was waiting for a train and I saw this girl that literally pushed her way onboard before the other people could get off. She had her headphones on so she didn’t hear the snide comments that came from at least 3 subway exiters. Not cool. Once on the train, I sat down across from her and watched her pull out a copy of “Public Relations for Dummies”. I felt that this was a bit ironic since she didn’t have the wherewithal for common courtesy. I can see she’s really going to go places once she finally gets that PR job.

Then it dawned on me that they were probably all out of “Public Relations for Assholes”.

Asshole.

First off, this is an ad for Chase Bank and it is at a station in the NYC subway system. You probably can’t read what it says on the right but it is some graffiti. Not your tagging type graffiti which is similar to animals urinating on things to mark their territory. This type of graffiti is basically people trying to show their sharp wit in the form of words. I’ll read to you what it says.

“JUST LIKE A PIMP : Sell your soul to the bank with the biggest advert budget.”

Everyone knows that in order to open up a bank account, you have to sell your soul. That’s probably the most obvious thing here. That’s why it first struck me as being intelligent. Forget that they have the most ATM locations, and that it realistically could save you potentially $20-30 in fees in a month if your check is direct deposited. Since they wrote this on the ad, they obviously did their research to see what their advertisement budget was compared to every other bank. I’m impressed that they could do all this research underground while waiting for a train and get it right. Great work.

Oh yeah, and pimps use banks.

Before you go writing some stupid fucking shit on an ad, at least think of what you’re writing. Before you huff the marker.

Normally don’t talk about shit that I don’t make up but I just saw a great show. Who ever knew I could be entertained at Radio City by something besides leg kicking women named after a musical style that came to fruition many many years after they were named. That’s right, i’m talking about the Emoquettes.

If you don’t know Zach Galifianakis, Nick Swardson or Demetri Martin, i’m surprised you’re here. Click their links and check them out. They’re all like the Tom Brady’s of comedy. Actually I take that back. They’re not losers.

Ok so you got these people putting graffiti in the subways. Sometimes they’re witty and sometimes they’re not. Let’s take a look at this one logically.

Oh shit I had no idea that Egg McMuffins caused cancer. I’ve eaten about 100 of them in my life so I better get checked out immediately. That must mean logically that extra large permanent markers with volatile organic compounds are good for you. You are so smart. I’ll have to remember that. Thanks for the tip Mr. Subway Graffiti Writer.

18 and 1 is great if you’re an indoor lacrosse team. Sorry Pats.

Not really.

I’ve been getting pissed off lately that there aren’t enough wishing wells to help me get the things done that I can’t accomplish on my own. It’s not that there aren’t enough wishing wells, it’s that there aren’t enough wells period. I don’t even know if there is a “well” let alone a “wishing well” anywhere in NYC. Point is, I don’t give a shit if it’s lucky for someone, I just need to throw some change away and hope that it’s good luck. My philosophy is that if the money I had in my hand is now gone, it’s destined to be something I can make a wish on. Fuck a well.

I tried to solve my wishing well problem by throwing some change. It wasn’t in a well and it wasn’t in a sewer. I tossed a quarter on a roof. The first time I did it I made a wish. I’m not gonna tell you what that first wish was but it almost came true. I looked for unknown factors that may have lead my wish astray. Maybe the roof wasn’t high enough so I threw it on a 4th story and it still didn’t get the job done. At least not yet. As a last resort I tried a new tactic. It goes a little like this.

I threw my change at a homeless person as hard as I could. It didn’t matter if he was sleeping or standing, he enjoyed it. I threw all my change as hard as I could at this homeless dude’s head and you know what? My wish came true. What was my wish? It was a wish of hitting a homeless guy in the head with a bunch of change.

Good luck and happy wishing.

Bill the great is an alcoholic at a place we go to. The question is… where is he from? Riverside? Long Island City? no.. well maybe, but what about Cennunctah? South Philly? The truth is he is from everywhere, and he wears it on his houndstooth sleeve.

He carries himself with the weight of a Myers bottle of rum and has no regard for his handshake strength. He crushes peoples hands while he cries inside; he’s a lawyer. Some kind of legit real-estate lawyer. He obviously knows what he’s doing.. thats evident.. by day. By night, the clouds part, the sun recesses and things become bi-dimensional. You genuinely feel like you have something to learn from this man, but all you can render is “Wow, what a complete waste of carbon”. Let’s sample an actual conversation with the magnet.

Bill - Hurrsbs wherueue from?

Party - We’re from Buffalo, originally Buffalo.

Bill - BAFFILO. *rigorous handshake (2nd instance)* THEY GOT THE CHICKEN. I bet a buffalo would brahhhahrihiharha

Party - Really? *looks at a companion* You’re right about that, poultry is our main beef.

Bill - Beeaf? You meant like Beaf?

Party - Yeah, where exactly are you from?

Bill - RIVERRRSIDDDDDEEEEEEEE, off teh queen-e-bkln-st. I HATE A HOUSE. Sinatra, ITS NOT JUST A STREET IN EASTERN MAINE.

Party - Awwwww man, that is CUH-RAY-ZEE. I’m gonna go have a quick smoke, don’t follow me.

Bill - Crazay? I used to breed cantelopes in Jewrheuaselm for tannins.

Party - I don’t know what to think but can we have some space?

{ stage direction : bill stumbles in place like a down syndrome patient with a concussion }

Bill - WHERE AM I FROM? *attempts to handshake*

Party - *politely avoids handshake* Riverside, I think. But what are you doing here, riverside is so far away?

Bill - Sebatical. I’m a lawyer, i know people.

Party - People? I’m confused. People of the earth or otherwise?

Bill - NaAh theywer freum Stanten isllands.

Party - I don’t know if I can handle this pain

Bill - I ;M FREUSM RIVERSAIDE *crushing handshake*

Party - Yo I know. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Bill - MYEArs Ruem. I’m a lauwyear frueam Seaside. Are you a n Asshoel?

{ stage: bill looks at the bartender as if she/he just traded his first born for a cornish hen }

Bill - STAY WITH YOUR FREINDS

Party - My friends pretty much stay with me. I’ve never had an instance of a friend running off, especially when i’m talking with you.

Bill - arGHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ‘RE IM FROM *missed handshake*

Party - Bill i don’t know what you’re after, but i’m not sellin’ it.

{ *third eye blind comes on }

{ *bouncer rumbles over to disrupt bills’ tirade }

Party - Looks like its the end of the road for ya’ Bill…

Bill - Fieurget yousassses. DONEY U KNOEW WHwaure i’em frueam? Steamside!

Party - You have alot of knowledge, some of it is here, some of it is there, but I want it all; away from me.

Bill - *starts to cry*

{this is where shit gets for REAL}

Party - Listen man, its cool — i’m just here chatting with you, we’re talkin bullshit, but you have alot to say.

Bill - ARhghh FERIINS stifck with it or else. If yuuu — THAT AIN”T RUNM

Party - oh man, this dood is all sorts of done

Bill - Buhh..

{bouncer slowly clothlines bill, in a loving manner, and escorts him towards 14th street}

Party - What a fucking terd bergler.

So that’s how the bill saga ends.

…until we see him again for the first time, at the bar, 2 days after tomarrow.

Just to add to my NYC post, today I realized that I haven’t been taking advantage of everything the city has to offer. From now on I will be sticking myself with dirty needles that I find on the street, just to make sure i’m getting the complete “New York City Experience”. I might try to re-use a couple of the rubbers I find by the train tracks. You never know what good things that could bring you. I mean the woman, not the rubbers.

New York City is great. You know you can’t ever be more than 400 feet from a transexual. What a great feeling from a great town.

NYC has its ups and downs. There are great things about it, but then something can instantly negate it. Example.

I was walking down the street and in front of me are 3 very hot women with amazing asses. Tall, slender, hot asses in tight jeans. How can you fuck that up right? NYC has a way. 10 steps later I smell the most evil sewer stench to the point where if I look at their asses I just get an anti-boner thinking that it’s their asses that stink.

Yeah, NYC has its ups and downs.

Today I was walking down Lexington and there were tanks of liquid Nitrogen on the sidewalk. I stopped at the corner and touched some of the frost on the outside from the condensation/sublimation of the Nitrogen coming out. I was just kinda flicking it off, killing time for the light to change. I caught the attention of 3 large women. They didn’t notice the tanks until I started playing with them. One woman decided it was time to talk about the subject. Here’s how it went down.

“Ooohhh look they got them tanks of them liquid Nitrogens on the street. That’s dangerous isn’t it? Next thing you know we go off an bomb another country cause the damn USA is all fucked up in the head like that. How can that not be terrorism? ”

I gotta tell you, this was the most fucked up twisted conversation bit i’ve ever heard in New York City. Not only did they jump from random thought to random thought, the two women with her agreed and said “mhmmm” while she was saying it. I stared back and gave her a the best slanted eyebrow I could. It didn’t phase her.

For the trivia of the post, please put whatever race you think these women were in the comment section. The winner gets something awesome.

Today I realized what is great about America. We have freedoms. Did you know the police have freedoms? Did you know that you sort of do? Did you know that cops have the freedom to pull someone over and take a cellphone call in the middle of asking for license and registration at 5:35pm at 87 Seventh Avenue in Manhattan in New York City? Me either. I must have missed that mailing.

I guess freedom isn’t that free since I didn’t get the mailer. It doesn’t matter. I appreciate my freedoms. Not being able to take pictures in the subway. Being able to get randomly searched. Having the use of my N wordism made illegal and allowing my KFC’s to be full of rats. I love it.

This is freedom folks. NYC freedom.

Today while waiting at the 14th Street Station at 14th and 8th, someone asked me for directions to Christopher Street. The correct thing to say was, take this train one stop to West 4th and walk a few blocks North. Instead I turned to him and in my best Russian accent said “I dueana speick aenglesh”. He bought it and kept walking. I pretty much did it subconciously too.

I am going to do this from now on. I will keep you all updated.

So today on my trek to work, something awesome happened. I got off the train and proceeded to walk through the rotary turnstyle. You know the ones with all the horizontal bars thats like a revolving door. Well I push on the thing pretty hard and I hear a loud thud. I look down and I cranked this homeless guy in the face with one of the bars. Like right below his eye. He was sleeping with his head on a empty box of PBR’s. I started laughing my ass off and that got him mad. It was ok though because homeless people really aren’t good at moving fast. C-ya Fuckface!

If you live in New York City or go there occasionally, i’m sure you’ve had a New York Style slice of cheese pizza. Since these are a little more minimal on the flavor than most other cities pizzas, they give out extra condiments to put on the cheese slice to make it more satiating. There are 6 common condiments.

Parmesan Cheese - A must.
Crushed Red Peppers - A little goes a long way. Especially when it comes out your ass.
Italian Seasoning - Not a whole lot of flavor. I do it for the look really.
Garlic Powder - Load it on. Just load it on.
Black Pepper - I have no idea.
Salt - Some sick fuck decided pizza wasn’t salty enough.

The condiments are placed by the napkins and straws n shit. Pretty much where you’d find ketchup at a french fry saloon. What really has been getting to me lately are the people who order a slice or two, then take the condiments to their table like they own them. It’s complete and utter disregard for the system of putting on a fucking topping and leaving it for someone else to use. Why the fuck do you think you own the damn condiments? Put it on, leave it there. It’s totally fucking simple.

If you do this and someone walks up and grabs the garlic powder and says “Excuse me, do you own this?”, rest assured it’s me.

So today i’m listening to the radio at work. Really enjoying it and not knowing why. There aren’t any commercials. Oh it’s because of 9-11 so they’re not going to play commercials on the radio. I get it. Completely.

And this is how we celebrate 9-11 in New York City, 5 years later.

Sometimes this place just simply amazes me. I was in S.S Pizzaria on Fulton St. today and saw a flyer for a local fair. It read.

“Come on down for some fun at the Fulton Center Plaza. There will be clowns, rides, games, raffles, prizes, music, food, hiv testing.”

I’m not even lying. How awesome is that. And in addition, below it, it said.

“Fun for the whole family.”

Not only is it fun, you can scare yourself shitless getting tested for hiv. So much fun.

You know what we need.
Is one nice 110 degree day.
So that all the homeless end up dead.
Homeless fricassee.

Today, again, I saw Yoko Ono for the 472nd time. Maybe there are imposters

And again, I heard the worst South American panflute rendition of “Willow’s Theme” on the subway.

More to follow.

The hunt for Terrorism is an ongoing battle between good and evil. We can protect against the things we can see; but what about the things that we can’t see? Like Crayfish with Bombs on their back? Recent tests of fresh water lakes and streams have visually demonstrated that Crayfish with Bombs are already in our waters, waiting to strike at any time. Below is a picture of a specimen that we caught in a reservoir just outside of New York City.

We all know that since you don’t have streams and lakes in your home, you don’t have to worry about them getting in there; but what about your computer? Absolutely nothing is there to stop a Crayfish with a Bomb from hacking your computer and attacking you from the internet. Only if you act now will we be able to protect your homeland security by helping yourself become a secure homeland with

CrawdadKiller 2K*

For the super mega ultra low price of $199.95** you can protect yourself from Crayfish with Bombs from hacking your computer and attacking you from the internet with CrawdadKiller 2K*. Along with the easy install kit you will also receive certification that the CrawdadKiller 2k* is Y2k compliant and compatible with Appletosh.

*Will not kill Crabs.
**Actually for effect we moved a decimal point. The real price is $1999.50.

Comment now. Operators are standing by.