I was filling out a questionnaire the other day and it had a section on it that said “Favorite Philosopher”. After a little bit of thinking I wrote down “Clay”, just to be different.

Everyone else says fucking Plato.

It’s quite confusing that Short Wave Radio is actually a “Medium”.

By the name you’d probably think it was a “Short”.

The other day someone asked me to listen to the exhaust on their car while they revved the engine. They asked me what I thought of it.

I told them it sounded like an “egregious waste of fuel”.

“Fuck yeah! Egregious as all hell!” they said, spending over $200 in gas in the process. Lemme guess, you laughed and cried like I did. But only ’cause you laughed so hard. Like I did.

Gasolols is more like it.

Due to unforeseen problems, the Competitive Eating League for Fishtank Fish (CELFF) has been cancelled. Unfortunately the contestants have all had to be flushed because of compulsive overeating.

We here at the CELFF apologize to the the many fish that lost their lives competing and of course, our complete lack of foresight.

We were only thinking of our CELFF.

What’s the difference between masturbation and cock shiatsu?

For me, about 10 beers.

First it started off with his moustache. No one will ever be able to wear the toothbrush shaped moustache because that real asshole, Adolf Hitler wore it. The stigma of that will last on and on forever.

Now again, he wrecks a perfectly good idea for me. Because of Hitler, kids suffering from ADD will have nowhere to go for the summer.

Concentration Camp is closed until further notice.

If you’re an unemployed hooker and you’re looking to go to a new madam, I’ll bet you don’t ask if they have any openings that they need to fill.

You probably don’t ask if they have any positions available either.

I recently got some Percocets for a lovely injury that I sustained. I can’t really walk, but don’t worry I stole a wheelchair from the hospital. Percocets are great but sometimes other people want to eat them. I need them. That’s why I stuck a few in my nose and then blew them back into the container in front of everyone.

Yeap, they’re all still there.

So today I was reading a story about how Youssif, a 5 year olf Iraqi boy was burned by some masked men in Iraq. CNN.com says he is recovering here in America and is learning English. It’s really a sad story. I felt like cheering him up so I wrote in the comments “Someone get this kid some hookers” and pressed submit. It was as that time that I immediately thought, what the hell is wrong with me? How can I be so ignorant? I gotta think before I press that submit button.

Everyone knows that hookers his age are called prostitots.

I never understood how you could arrest someone for graffitiing a drawbridge.

They really need to clarify these things with terrible names.

It’s a proven wikipedia fact that for centuries men have wanted to have sex with limbless women who wear prosthetics. Revolutions are meant to be broken. That’s why I present to you my newest, most disabled idea yet.

Prosthitutes

Now disabled amputees and disasters are available to the public for paid sex, guaranteed to be there as fast as they can. Judging from the legless woman in the commercial that was running a marathon, i’d say pretty fast. Don’t be fooled by fake tits or transexual, those aren’t prosthetics. I’m sure you don’t have alot to say but, our slogan is “Get ‘em there, rip it off, get it on.”

Give us a call 1-800-FAKE-LEG.

This song is one that you probably know. It’s an oldies song and I really didn’t know what they meant. I kept asking myself, too late for what? Turns out it was actually too late to take the song seriously after you imagined it being a song about a fart. Check the lyrics.

Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time
There’s something wrong here, there can be no denying
One of us is changing, or maybe we’ve stopped trying

It used to be so easy living here with you
You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do
Now you look so unhappy, and I feel like a fool

Download the song and listen to it now. It’s really too late.

I had doubts before, but now I really do believe he can fly.

I think about it every night and day.

00:10 < +dh-> I saw the movie the happening today.
00:10 < +bvllets> i bet it sucks.
00:10 < +dh-> spot on.
00:11 < +bvllets> funny cause i knew another gay dude going to see his flick today.
00:11 < +bvllets> is shamalayan a fagmagnet?
00:11 < +bvllets> ie fagmag?
00:12 < +bvllets> wait, is his name spelled sham lay a man?
00:12 < +bvllets> either way i don’t want to see it.

What else is IRC good for?

I’m glad my job isn’t to sort magazines by title. I’d totally put “Teen Beat” in the wrong section.

I never understood why people ate their boogers; then I did cocaine.

Tomorrow i’m going on a fishing trip to the old Adirondacks mountains. Went to the store to get some Off bug spray. Ended up walking out with a dual pack of Raid bug killer. I don’t just want to repel them, I want to kill them. Plus it was cheaper.

Can you say win/win?

Yeah, I’m too cool to add something to Urban Dictonary. Maybe because it’s full of people using submissions to insinuate that their notfriends are gay through made up words? The internet is so full of love. At any rate, I have a submission.

Molet - Moles that have hair long enough to make macgyver’s hair look like imperfection.

“Look at that fucking molet on that dudes back!”

From me, the person who brought you such great games as Master Beaters and Pancreas Hammer, comes another game that is fun for the whole family (yes, even the dog). The overwhelming response has led me to divulge one of my personal favorite games. Get ready to play.

Ingredients:
1 Dartboard
3 Steel or Uranium Tipped Darts
2 Real Assholes
1 Semi-Asshole to Judge
1 Classic Elian Gonzales Picture (optional)

Directions:
Get a dartboard and at least 3 nice darts. Get the really nice darts because you’re going to need quality as you sequentially wreck them. Mount the dartboard on a wall with at least 10 feet of clearance on either side. 10 feet of left-right clearance even 10 feet from the wall. Get some space. When mounting the board, brick walls are preferred because you can wreck the wall trying to hang it and wreck the darts when you miss the board. It’s what we call a real “twofer”. Now that you sold your apartment to buy an abandoned brick-lined warehouse specifically to play this game, you’re ready to play this game.

ATF Darts is just like playing any of your regular dart games, but you need to do an ATF style move before you throw the dart. You might wonder what an ATF style move is, but as per the manual, it reads like this.

Official ATF style moves:
Forward somersault
360 degree turn around an door frame
Wearing really dark sunglasses
Making a huge alcohol, tobacco or firearm bust (in the same room)
Breaking down a door with one of those log shaped door slammer things
Working for the government in a manner that might make one think you’re an ATF agent

These moves don’t necessarily have to be real. You can act them out. The only thing that is important is you’re having a good time. Not to mention, this game is all about being safe. The winner is the one who wins whatever game you were playing. That’s the hard way to play. We usually just play until someone hits the dartboard.

I really like this game because I like throwing darts and pretending that I’m an ATF agent.

If you end up playing, let me know. If you end up hitting someone with a dart, let me know that too. Comments are open.

U2.

Tell it to one of your friends.