Im a Retard

Small Shoes.

Saturday, August 29th, 2009

You know what they say about people with really small feet?

They get great deals on oversize kids sneakers.


Monkey on my Back.

Friday, August 14th, 2009

Got a big problem with a monkey on my back. Normally that’s a bad thing but he’s a monkey chiropractor so i’m really loose… Monkey loose.

It’s like chasing a really slow dragon.

Guy Wanted Change.

Wednesday, August 12th, 2009

Saw a homeless guy asking for change in the subway tonight. Gave him the deed to a 40.7 million dollar 40 acre home in Montauk. He gave it back, said he just wanted change.

I guess you really can’t make people change.

Life Insurance.

Friday, August 7th, 2009

I was watching TV last night and a commercial came on that started out with “Think it’s too late to get more life insurance?”. I thought this was pretty stupid considering it was already 10:45 PM.

They really should work on ad placement more.

Coin Collection.

Thursday, June 25th, 2009

People talk about their coin collections and how they’re going to someday be worth alot of money.

It suddenly occurs to me that bill collecting is a much much better hobby.

Christopher Bereaves.

Wednesday, May 27th, 2009

I’m not sure if that’s funny or really deep.

Here’s to ya dogg.

My Brute.

Sunday, May 24th, 2009

I’ve been playing this stupid shit called My Brute lately. It’s pretty fucking stupid but I don’t have to do anything but show up. That works for me. Anyways, they have all these special powers that you can get as you go up a level but one really struck me as being a bit off. Let me show it to you.

Implacable My Brute

Funny name they have for it, because I thought it was cockswordsmanship. The description doesn’t help defend that it isn’t. It actually makes it much more perverted if anything. Instead of thinking i’m actually Implacable, click on the picture to challenge me. Good luck.

Illegal Astroglide.

Sunday, May 24th, 2009

I just found out Astroglide is illegal in Alabama. I really never thought i’d see the day where Ironing, Dentistry and Astroglide were on the same list. To tell you the truth, I’m not actually sure if I was looking for that.

Ironing is also known down there as “faggin’ your fag clothes” in case you were confused.

What’s Bigger?

Sunday, May 24th, 2009

I didn’t realize how awesome the Science Channel is. I mean, I always loved the Hydrogen Peroxide show. That was the best show ever about what happens to things when you put Hydrogen Peroxide on them. I didn’t know if got better than that. It certainly does.

I just saw this show called “What’s Bigger?”. This episode figured out what’s bigger, Clay Aikens clitoris or the side of a Sacajawea coin. I’d tell you the answer, but I shouldn’t. It wasn’t the Sacajawea. And they didn’t even stimulate him beforehand!

I’ll be recording this show from now on. Not to spoil it, but the next episode is Don Cheadle’s nostril hole versus an average brazil nut!

Cous Cous by Definition.

Monday, May 11th, 2009

I don’t know if this is correct, but if I had to guess, Couscous is Moroccan for “pasta all over the floor”.

Antimicrobial Staplers.

Friday, April 10th, 2009

So, God Bless technology because they finally make Antimicrobial Staplers now.

I bought one but since I don’t ever have paper, I just wash my hands with it.

Only Appropriate.

Wednesday, April 8th, 2009

Today in 1865, Robert E. Lee surrendered at the Appomattox Courthouse to Ulysses S. Grant to put a final end to the most epic battle in American History. I find it only appropriate that on the exact day that the Civil War ended, I find a real asshole that perpetuates racism. Not only is this guy an asshole, he’s a fish. Well, i’m not sure if it a guy fish or a girl fish but whatever, it’s a racist fucking fish.

Don’t believe me that a fish can be racist? Take a look at this son of a bitch.

Hawaiian Niger Trigger, Hawaii Nig Trig

Go ahead, try and keep that N-word down. I’ve never hoped for extinction of a species in my life, except for now. Listen up Mr. Hawaiian Niger Trigger, there is no room for racists in todays society. If that wasn’t the case, the Civil War wouldn’t have ever ended. Think about it.

I’m exposing you Mr. Racist Fish. Those “N-words” as you make people say them, or as i’ll call them here in a legal sort of way, “Racees”, have proven they’re here to stay. Welcome to your own “Civil” war buddy. If there is anything that racism has taught us, it’s that we shouldn’t have tolerance for people (or fish) that aren’t not racist.

No, but seriously, they should change that fish’s name. It’s just too easy to slip up in the wrong company and get your white ass kicked by mispronouncing a fish. Damn smart ass Ichthyologists.

Parental Pain.

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009

I can tell i’m talking to my parents when I hear the phrase “Pain Pills” instead of Vicodin.


Saturday, March 14th, 2009

Is it true that a female Grizzly Bear has a Grizzly vagina?

Eat My Future Shorts.

Friday, February 13th, 2009

So there comes an opportunity every so often where you can make something up so stupid that someone will believe it because you didn’t even try to make it up. I had one of those moments today.

Dude – Brett Farve isn’t the best QB ever. It’s gotta be Bart Starr.

Others – Who is Bart Starr?

Dude – You don’t know Bart Starr? He’s like one of the best ever!

— Dude realizes that nobody is listening so he decides to yell at me

Dude – Do you know who Bart Starr is?

Me – Yeah, he’s on the Simpsons.

— At this point, everyone laughs.

Dude – OK.

Me - No, I’m serious. In one of the episodes he wrote his name as “Bart Starr Simpson”.

Dude – Really?

Me – Yeah man. I was shocked too. He wrote it on a book in one of the episodes (total bullshit)

Dude – Wow. I had no idea. That’s funny.

Me – Totally dude!

Really, all I can imagine is him telling someone this. It’s complete bullshit and well, I hope he blames it on Wikipedia.


Sunday, February 8th, 2009

Bald? Like to wear hoods? Wear a hoopee!!

The best hood and toupee mashup on the market. Combining the prowess of a toupee and the cover of a hooded sweatshirt will make you cool with the ladies. Just ask the whole city of Rochester, NY.

One time only sale; 29.99.

Biological Clock.

Wednesday, February 4th, 2009

What is most overlooked about the biological clock, is probably the bomb that is wired to said clock.

Biological time bomb is more like it.


Sunday, January 25th, 2009

I’m sorry Metallica. I fucked up your lyrics again.

Lyrically “I love to nail your Netherlands” can’t possibly be right. Enter Sandman isn’t even remotely Dutch.


Sunday, January 25th, 2009

Sounds like a really cool underground rave.

Whoops I confused raves and STDs again.

Aim Wrong Windows.

Friday, January 23rd, 2009

bvllets – Sometimes, I masturbate to Tron
stparkz – What?!?
bvllets – Whoops wrong window