I just got a World Series of Puker T-Shirt but you can’t read the logo.

If you’re feeling mighty ballsy when someone asks to use the phone; tell them to get an outside line you need to dial 9, then 11, then the number.

I’d have to say that motorized backrubs are the biggest form of Bull Shiatsu out there.

I bet Cat Sajak would be great at hosting the Hamster Wheel of Fortune.

I just got 2 new video games. One is Rockbang and the other is Guitar Zero. You don’t get many points but it tells you how talented you really are.

Real life, it’s actually challenging.

I often wonder if the best solitaire player ever was asexual.

Maybe it’s me but I keep seeing these movies about back doors. Today at the library I saw “My Back Door is Open” and “Back Door MILFs” in the same row of movies. Alphabetically I’m sure it’s correct but…

Why doesn’t somebody fix the fucking front fucking door for these fucking sluts? Hello?

Master P’s Theatre?

Would be hilarious. Imagine watching “I Got the Hook Up” and “I’m Bout’ It” on PBS.

Eventually, Master P he would finish those unfinished movie projects like “I’m ‘Bout It, ‘Bout It”, “I’m All About ‘Bout It, ‘Bout It”, “I’m All ‘Bout Bein’ ‘Bout My Latest Movie About Being ‘Bout It, ‘Bout It” and “Bouters 7 – What’sis all’Bout Again?”.

I guess this probably won’t ever happen. Hollywood racism is alive and well. How rude.

I don’t have alot of time so I guess what I do is technically Fasturbation.

Depending on your tastes, it may be appropriate to describe the smell of farts as the overall quality of a band.

ex. “My farts smell the way Aerosmith sounds. Almost Exactly.”

That would be “Like shit.”

I’ve concluded one of the worst things you can say to any woman is “I know what you do with makeup.”

I guess it could be more offensive to guys. Sorry, I wasn’t finished concluding.

Got a big problem with a monkey on my back. Normally that’s a bad thing but he’s a monkey chiropractor so i’m really loose… Monkey loose.

It’s like chasing a really slow dragon.

People talk about their coin collections and how they’re going to someday be worth alot of money.

It suddenly occurs to me that bill collecting is a much much better hobby.

I’m not sure if that’s funny or really deep.

Here’s to ya dogg.

I just found out Astroglide is illegal in Alabama. I really never thought i’d see the day where Ironing, Dentistry and Astroglide were on the same list. To tell you the truth, I’m not actually sure if I was looking for that.

Ironing is also known down there as “faggin’ your fag clothes” in case you were confused.

I didn’t realize how awesome the Science Channel is. I mean, I always loved the Hydrogen Peroxide show. That was the best show ever about what happens to things when you put Hydrogen Peroxide on them. I didn’t know if got better than that. It certainly does.

I just saw this show called “What’s Bigger?”. This episode figured out what’s bigger, Clay Aikens clitoris or the side of a Sacajawea coin. I’d tell you the answer, but I shouldn’t. It wasn’t the Sacajawea. And they didn’t even stimulate him beforehand!

I’ll be recording this show from now on. Not to spoil it, but the next episode is Don Cheadle’s nostril hole versus an average brazil nut!

So, God Bless technology because they finally make Antimicrobial Staplers now.

I bought one but since I don’t ever have paper, I just wash my hands with it.

Bald? Like to wear hoods? Wear a hoopee!!

The best hood and toupee mashup on the market. Combining the prowess of a toupee and the cover of a hooded sweatshirt will make you cool with the ladies. Just ask the whole city of Rochester, NY.

One time only sale; 29.99.

What is most overlooked about the biological clock, is probably the bomb that is wired to said clock.

Biological time bomb is more like it.

Sounds like a really cool underground rave.

Whoops I confused raves and STDs again.