ADD Security.
I recently saw a sign in my neighborhood that was for a security system. It was installed on a neighbors house so just out of fear I decided to get one put in my house. You can’t ever be too protective of your property, especially your paper towel collection (my paper towel collection).
The security company looked familiar. That company was ADD Security. I’ll never forget my first phone call with them.
Operator - Thanks for calling ADD Security. How can I help you?
Me - I’d like to have a security system installed.
Operator - That’s great where do you live?
Me - 123 Fake Street, NY, NY USA.
Operator - Cool, is there anything I can help you with?
Me - Yes, I need a security system installed at my house 123 Fake Street, NY,NY USA.
Operator - I forgot what you just said, what did you need again?
After about 10 minutes of this same loop I got him to put my address in the system and a security consultant came over to my house. He showed up and I went over my house and he was tenderly studying all the details of my humble abode. After approximately 7 times of him asking what my name was, he followed it up with “Isn’t it a gorgeous day out?”. I told him to just install the fucking thing and said i’d be on the couch if he needed me. He was eager to do it but he needed to know exactly what thing I was talking about. I pointed to his truck and he told me that it was his truck. I pointed 4 times more at the logo on his truck and he told me that it was his work.
Me - I know dude. Do your job, on my house.
Security Consultant - Ohhhhhh. Yeah ok. It’s a nice day out isn’t it?
He quickly got to work, but then promptly stopped to ask me what I thought of the weather outside. I locked myself in the bathroom until he slipped an invoice under the door. I signed it with some of my roommates guyliner (eyeliner for guys), he left and I hoped for the best. The best meaning that no one breaks into my house or if they do, I know that the police are immediately summoned. It’s a modest wish that a security company can do this for you. ADD Security didn’t think so. I left for work and about 20 minutes later I received a call to tell me something was happening at my house. Let me just patch this phone call through.
Phone Representative - Hello bvllets. We are calling to let you know that something is happening at your house and that I think we called someone and it’s probably all taken care of.
Me - Uhm, what do you mean somethings happening at my house? Do you know what it is?
Phone Representative - Somethings happening at your house? Are you having a party?
Me - No, there’s no party. I’m at work and you called me to tell me something is happening at my house. What exactly is happening at my house?
Phone Representative - Are you sure you don’t have a wrong number?
Me - What? You called me! Please let me know what’s happening at my house! Is there an indruder or something?
Phone Representative - I love that movie. Or maybe it wasn’t called The Intruder. Maybe i’m thinking about something else.
At this point i’m furious so I hang up and I call the cops myself. I told them that something is going on at my house and that ADD Security may have contacted them regarding it. They tell me that someone called them from ADD security and that they wanted to know if anyone wanted to go ride bikes. I told the police my name and address and they said that they would call me back when they got to my house. About 10 minutes later I got a call from the police telling me that the security system was triggered but only due to the fact that they installed it on the front screen door to my 6 unit apartment complex.
Believe me, I won’t ever be needing their services ever again.