I got my cat some treats today and it’s clear that they don’t write the descriptions for cats. This actually isn’t a bad idea since cats don’t actually have money or go shopping and can’t read. I guess the reasons are really endless. So basically my cat relies on me to get him treats if I feel like it. I’m fine with that but the problem is that I don’t know which one of these to get. They’re all named sophisticated nouns with these melodramatic catjectives which just confuse the fuck out of me. How am I supposed to know what my cat genuinely wants. He’s a fucking cat and he would probably eat anything out of my fridge if I let him. I finally narrow it down to the Purina “Whisker Lickin’s” brand. Here is a brief profile and my expert analysis of all of them.

Crunch Lovers
Selling Point - Tartar Control
Kill Shot - Super Crunchy
First off, I can’t tell if these are fucking treats or edible toothbrushes for cats. I don’t know who the hell buys these treats and thinks that they’re actually rewarding their cat? Tartar control? I don’t go out and get crest snickers bars or colgate runts. Matter of fact those sound god awful. Cats just don’t know any better and maybe that’s why they think this is a treat. This is not how my cat rolls. Next.

Tender Moments
Selling Point - Soft and Delicious
Kill Shot - Heavenly Taste
Heavenly taste? No shit. My cat will like that because he’s a good Christian. Duh. I honestly don’t know what kind of heavenly taste starts with the ingredients of animal liver flavor, wheat flour and corn gluten meal but these fuckers are soft and chewy. I imagine they’re like meat flavored mini special dark hershey’s. These sound good but there is one other so let’s check it out.

Dreamy Duos
Selling Point - Crunchy Outside with Soft Center
Kill Shot - Made in China
With a ripped off incorrect name, this is off to a really bad start. Everyone knows there is one dreamy duo and that is Hall and Oates. These look like kitty combos, crunchy outside and a soft middle. Ahh, so that’s why dreamy duos. The particular flavor i’m looking at is shrimp and tuna flavor. That’s a big plus in my book because I love both shrimp and tuna with only one exception. I like shrimp and tuna when it isn’t from China. I’m going to bet that my cat doesn’t want to die because some tard in a Chinese factory took a shit and didn’t wash his hands and got E-Coli on the whole batch.

This really wasn’t an hard decision to make, but I absolutely didn’t need to spend 5 minutes in the grocery store analyzing cat treats. The little fucker should be lucky he’s even getting them. So, cat treat manufacturer, if you’re reading, please make it easier on us. Make one cat brand of cat treats and call them “Delicious American Cat Treats.” That is, if you ever want me to buy them again.

This entry was posted on Thursday, November 29th, 2007 at 1:07 am and is filed under Comedy, Quick Laughs, True Funny Stories, bvllets. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.