Dear guy who tapes the lettuce bags shut,

Have you ever eaten any of the product you’ve been taping? Iceberg lettuce or crunchy green water ball as it is known in the South. I know that you work with it, so there is a good possibility that you probably don’t eat it. Believe it or not, iceberg lettuce is actually decent, so I suggest you try it. It’s a novelty food, so eat it with a novelty dressing like “country” ranch dressing that was made in a factory in the “country”. I hate to be a dick (no I don’t), I really do (no), but you need to listen to me. I know you’re only trying to do your job as best you can, but seriously, let’s think about this for a minute. For fucks sake, pretend you’re actually me on this one.

You buy a head of lettuce wrapped in a plastic bag. You have no intention of eating the entire thing. You start to open the bag so you can enjoy the leafy goodness but it’s taped shut. You try to peel the tape back so that you can re-use the bag for when you put it away after you get a normal serving, but you realize after 2 minutes of precision opening that the piece of tape is 10” long and it’s fused to the bag like velcro that is more like permanent velcro with no velcro qualities whatsoever. You have to rip the bag into shreds and put it in the garbage. After novelty lettuce time you have to get a small black shopping bag so you can put it in the back of the fridge like a piece of some cadaver engineered to forget about forever. This procedure of ripping the bag and throwing it out is like buying a box of nerds candy, dumping the candy in your pocket and throwing out the box. What a great idea.

I hope you’re listening Mr. guy who tapes the lettuce bags shut, because i’m not threatening you. Feel free to do what you want. I’m just saying if I ever see piece of tape more than 3” long on the twisted end of a bag of iceberg lettuce, i’m going to buy arugula for the rest of my time on this earth.

Vegetably yours,

bvllets

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 21st, 2007 at 4:14 am and is filed under bvllets, Comedy, Quick Laughs. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.