Shitter Nap 101
Picture this:
Its 8:00AM, You’ve gone and had yourself a night of beef laden snack treats the night before, you’re now on your way to work thinking to yourself, “Jeez, I wish I could just take a couple hours off and maybe just shit and sleep.” Well I’m here to tell you, you can have your pie and bang it too. With just a few simple instructions and procedures to follow, you sir can master the art… of the shitter nap.
Shitcan Napping Clause(s) & Procedure(s) for Optimal Shitcan Napping:
| » | Try to use the handicap bathroom. This will make your shitter nap much more enjoyable, and at the same time, deny a handicap person their stupid extended freedom. Win/Win. |
| » | Walk/Leave towards the shitter, when nobody is really paying attention to you — This will give you a 15-30min buffer for you to shitnap stress free, before anyone even notices that you’re shitting! This is an invaluable tactic. |
| » | During the shitnap, never sleep with your head back — for 2 reasons: 1) You will most likely snore and someone will notice that you are sleeping on the toilet. 2) The sleep is not as amazing because your esophagus is stressed. |
| » | Always sleep leaning forward with your hands crossed. Elbows on the knees. Rest forehead on forearm. |
| » | Shit early in your nap. If you shit early, the rest of the time can be focused on napping. |
| » | Never exceed 50 minutes for one session. Anything over 50m is considered “The Danger Zone”. |
I think you’ll find these short, but easy guidelines helpful as you enter into the exciting and amazingly neccesary world of shit-can napping.
God speed.
March 22nd, 2006 at 2:47 am
The other tip that is missing is to find the most remote possible bathroom location. Perhaps one that is hard to get to or even in a condemned part of the building will help you find the greatest solitude.
If you’re in a cramped place and worried about getting busted, then you might wanna lower your pants to your ankles to give the realistic cover that you were, indeed, eliminating waste. Of course, this could work against you if they believe you are doing something else.
Anyway, God bless and Good luck!
March 22nd, 2006 at 9:07 pm
Another method is the wall lean. Usually the toilet is next to a wall, or partition, even in the handicap stalls. This allows you to lean slightly and rest your body against the walls which ensures you don’t have any red marks on your forehead.
The only thing you have to be careful of is if the wall is tiled, as then you could end up with the classic waffle iron grid on your cheek. To resolve this, and for added comfort, try wearing a sweater vest, or similar garment. Remove this article, roll up, and use as a pillow against the wall.
May your shits be swift, and your naps be plenitful.
May 23rd, 2006 at 8:22 pm
To David M. above:
(1) I will say that remote locations have the problem of a stressful return if you nap for too long. And shorter distances to walk mean less potential interaction with co-workers, which means less chance of anyone clocking your bathroom time. Of course if you have a small office you’re fucked no matter what.
(2) I don’t think anyone here isn’t lowering their pants to their ankles before plopping down on the old porcelain.
And now for my input:
(1) YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LEAN FORWARD ALWAYS. My bathroom layout is kind of cramped, with two rolls of toilet paper sticking out rather close to my ride side. I’ve found it quite comfortable to first, take off the outer sheets for sanitation, and secondly, snuggle my head in between the two rolls. It’s almost as good as a pillow. So don’t be afraid to experiment!!! Only by trying new things will you get the best shitcan nap experience possible.
(2) The other day I had an unusually late night before a 6:30AM wake up for work. We’re talking maybe two hours of sleep and I was solidly wasted from the night before. At any rate, I realised I was in the toilet for over 25 minutes. I started to panic, because poeple look for me all the time. But it was strange, because right before I became aware of the time, I had this vision. I flashed back to a time I passed out and had to be picked up by an ambulance. I had a vision of me being in the shitter literally hours later, and the paramedics/building security taking me out. It was just a bad scene at the office, for sure. SO BE CAREFUL IF YOU ARE EXCEEDINGLY SLEEP DEPRIVED. Even if the paramedics didn’t come, it could have been a situation where I slept for hours and got fired.
June 30th, 2006 at 2:17 pm
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