21st Century Cliches.
I can’t help but feel cliches being outdated. Some of these fuckin things that stuck in people’s heads to keep saying are absolutely ridiculous. I felt the need to revamp some of our favorite old cliches so that they’re hip, and in time with today’s recycled phrasical needs.
“Can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs.”
….is now
“Can’t make edamame without killing some soybeans.”
“Different strokes for different folks.”
….is now
“Different sores for different whores.”
“A penny saved is a penny earned.”
….is now
“A nickel saved is a penny earned.”
“You’re a stick in the mud!”
….is now
“You’re an cop in a chat room full of pedophiles!”
“He’s green with envy.”
….is now
“Why y’all hatin’ in pantone 363C Solid Coat.”
“Between a rock and a hard place.”
….is now
“You’re arrested in Guantanamo Bay with no formal charges.”
“Put that in your pipe and smoke it!”
….is now
“Stuff that in your vaporizer and get the essences of it!”
“Faster than a speeding bullet.”
….is now
“Faster than the MicroMachines guy on a full boot of meth.”
“Theres plenty more fish in the sea.”
….is now
“Theres plenty more AIDS victims in Africa.”
“You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.”
….is now
“You can’t teach Donald Trump how to comb his hair.”
“Hotter than a three pecked goat in a field full of nannies.”
….is now
“Flimsier than a coatrack on a Sunday afternoon at Lambau.”
“Like the pot calling the kettle black.”
….is now
“Like Ricky Williams calling Bob Marley a pothead.”
“Let’s touch base on this again.”
….is now
“Let’s touch each others penises sometime.”
“Out like a fat kid in dodgeball.”
….is now
“Out like a Sheryl Swoopes in the WNBA.”
“Don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater.”
….is now
“Don’t throw out the Lactating Preggos Weekly with the jizzrag.”
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye.”
….is now
“It’s not fun and games until someone on Jackass loses an eye.”
“Put a fork in me, I’m done.”
….is now
“Put a fork in me, I’m Harriet Miers.”
If any of you have any cliches you’d like to re-do. Please put them in the comment section.
November 11th, 2005 at 2:45 pm
i really think you’re onto something here, so i’ll have a go:
Old: What goes around comes around.
New: Heads up! Bird Flu!
Old: Carpe diem
New: Habeaus Corpus
Old: Parting is such sweet sorrow
New: You have to leave by 6AM, state law.
Old: Pain is weakness leaving the body
New: Sperm leaving your body is a potential problem.
Old: If it doesn’t kill you, it makes you stronger
New: I kill minorities and thereby absorb their soulforce.
Old: No guts, no glory
New: No kidney, no problem
Old: Life is a bitch, and then ya die.
New: My wifes a bitch, i’m going to hang myself.
November 11th, 2005 at 5:11 pm
Ok, here’s my two cents (a friend of a friend)
Old: Mi casa es su casa
New: GET OUT
Old: When life hands you lemons, make lemonade
New: When life hands you lemons, subcontract making the lemonade
Old: Customer service, we’re here to help you
New: Customer service, can you understand me through the accent?
Old: This, too, shall pass
New: Worse shit, right around the corner.
November 17th, 2005 at 2:24 pm
Old: “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush”
New: “a bird stuffed with sausage is worth four on the rotisserie”
Old: “don’t look a gift horse in the mouth”
New: “don’t smell your hand after beating off.”