I was going through my records and am noticing that I haven’t slept with any Playboy quality women. You know those women, the ones that you would gladly eat anything off their fuzzy love mound. Almost always blondes. You know, the ones you wanna take home and show Dad. The ones he used to wack off to. Anyways, I’ve never had one of those. Some that were close maybe. I can name at least 2 blonde strippers before they became strippers (sorry about your sis Skip). Maybe i’ve had a few Slots, Hustler, Lactating Preggo or Penthouse Letters quality, but again, no Playboy. I really gotta work on that. Maybe I should start by offering money. That seems like the first logical step. I think thats probably how Hugh Hefner did it. He’s not exactly Mr. Milky Way (or is it Universe). Meh, I can’t do that directly. It would be like buying a hooker. Hugh has such a bankroll and a mansion it’s like hes just being like a total sugar daddy. That shit seems harmless enough. With me I would go to the back of the paper and talk to as many girls as possible to see if I can find the one that actually sounds like the one in the ad. I suppose she would sound really dumb, but hey what do I know about this. I bet i’d start asking her word problems to see if shes only doing this to way her way through school. “Suzie gives $5 handjobs and $20 blowjobs under the bridge. How many handjobs and blowjobs would she have to give to buy a Dell Inspiron 5000 if her pimp takes 20%? *Cost of mouthwash and hand lotion excluded”. Something like that. I need a smart girl. If she was hooking to get another round of crack or smack I suppose it would be really obvious. And probably alot cheaper.

Actually i’m only dreaming about this. My sexual fantasies are better dreamt about. Who wants to ruin it. What i’m looking for is a girl who knows whats good for her. I mean I don’t want to have to hit her all the time.

I want to say sorry to all my ex’s here. I realized I sent it to at least one of them so I need to put in this apology. You were all beautiful in your own way, just not Playboy magazine quality.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 21st, 2005 at 1:50 pm and is filed under Comedy, Quick Laughs, Sexy Time, bvllets. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.